Monday, February 11, 2008
I have been thinking alot recently. Think I'm growing old.
What is it that I really want.
Well when you have no idea you look around. You see one of your colleague, works till 8plus 9 everyday, probably 1 am sometimes, and you wonder why she worked so late. And one day when you worked late you realised she simply walks around and did minimal. Then you wonder is this really want you want. Do you want to work late everyday? But then again, you wonder real hard what's the reason behind working late when there's no OT pay?
Then well you see another. She leaves quite on time. 'Cept for certain days when she can't finish her work, so she leaves at probably 630 latest. Then she hardly talks to anyone. Probably lunch with who and who and someone else on another. Time's up she leaves. You wonder is this what you want? You wonder why is it that she isn't trying hard to mix with others and not trying make more friends around by socializing more. Then you wonder again, will socializing around really make you friends with your colleagues?
Then you see another. He socializes hell lots. Spends half of his work time on phone or chatting with another. He smiles and jokes at any other. He can strike a conversation with almost every other. Then you wonder why is it that it just seem so easy for him to hold a conversation. You try to learn from it. But it doesn't seem to work when the other parties simply aren't interested in interacting more.
You wondered alot. Then you realised you're giving up slowly as the days past. Then you gave up smiling at everyone. No point appearing really smiley. In the end they might just think that you are Just another intern. Well then you think, alright, probably just be nice and smiley to your team. But it doesn't go your way when they are already in a clique. Nobody really bothers to hold a conversation with you. They simply laugh at their own jokes. You try to ask and hope to laugh together for the first few times. Then slowly you gave up as sometimes they answer you, sometimes they provide you with an answer that requires you to ask more questions, or sometimes ignore whatever you asked.
You realized the world isn't as simple. In Uni, when you don't like that person, all you have to do is ignore and meet your friends after meeting or during lunch. That easy. And bitch all about the person and laugh your ass off.
But it isn't the case anymore. In office, no one bothers to listen to your reasons. How good how bad. Sometimes you tear as you wonder why are you going through all those shit. Then you realise this is so minute, there are still alot ahead. So you push yourself forward. Then after a while the same question surface again, why are you faking yourself? why can't you get into their conversation? why this and that. Then you get all depressed and it repeats itself. Then you tell yourself that probably it's just the beginning. You console yourself that beginning is always like this. Then you wonder again after one month is this really the reason. Or is it that you are the one with problem. You start thinking bout your character and behavior. However hard you still can't resolve it.
WHat to do?
All I can do is what the hell.
Push it aside. If you can't stand it, just leave. But questions resurface as you already promised them to continue. You tell your friends "oh crap, I'll just tell them f**k off after my internship!" but you know it's impossible for you to ever do it. You know that there are repurcussions. YOu need to inform them probably a month ahead, or more, if you want to leave. Then the remaining one month, what are you going to do? How are you going to face your supervisor? And most imptly, how are you going to deal with that guilt of betraying the trust? Then someone tells you "they will kick you away someday, so why not do it first? Don't be such a saint and think of them! Think of yourself!" All the questions just love to run towards each other in circles.
And yes, I can only push it away.
I really think my life has been really wondering before this. That's good and bad. Good 'cause it saved me alot of brain cells. Bad 'cause I'm lost now. Totally. I can't even handle such a small issue. That I really mean it. I really think this IS a small issue. But I just can't solve it. How incapable.
crOwn_clOvera 2/11/2008 11:25:00 PM
